The BV Health Plan

In an effort to mitigate rising health costs, I've adopted some new perspectives, the details of which are best described with some simple Q & A:

Q: I’VE HEARD THAT CARDIOVASCULAR EXERCISE CAN PROLONG LIFE - IS THIS TRUE?
A: As a heart patient, I've done my homework and learned your heart is only good for so many beats. So I say don’t waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that’s like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: SHOULD I CUT DOWN ON MEAT AND EAT MORE FRUITS AND VEGETABLES?
A: This is best answered by looking at logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables (and pre-formed milk ala DAIRY) to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: SHOULD I REDUCE MY ALCOHOL INTAKE?
A: No, not at all. Beer is made from grain (vegetables). Vodka is made from grain or potatoes (vegetables). Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine. That means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. So, bottoms up!

Q: HOW CAN I CALCULATE MY BODY/FAT RATIO?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: WHAT ARE SOME OF THE ADVANTAGES OF PARTICIPATING IN A REGULAR EXERCISE PROGRAM?
A: Oh, that's easy...ummmm...Well, there's always.....errrrrr. Hmph, can’t think of a single one, sorry. Anyway, my philosophy is: No Pain… good!

Q: AREN’T FRIED FOODS BAD FOR YOU?
A: YOU’RE NOT LISTENING!!! …. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they’re permeated in it. How could getting MORE vegetables be bad for you?

Q: WILL SIT-UPS HELP PREVENT ME FROM GETTING A LITTLE SOFT AROUND THE MIDDLE?
A: Definitely not! Think about it, when you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: IS CHOCOLATE BAD FOR ME?
A: ARE YOU CRAZY? Cocoa Beans are another VEGETABLE!! Besides, it's the best feel-good food around!

Q: IS SWIMMING GOOD FOR YOUR FIGURE?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain manatees to me. Or whales.

Q: IS GETTING IN-SHAPE IMPORTANT FOR MY LIFESTYLE?
A: Hey! ‘Round’ is a shape! As is "Pear" and "Apple".